Back to Home Page
PROFESSIONAL COLUMNS


Relationships
Weight Loss Today
Urogynecology Today
Dentistry Today
Letter from the Chairman
WebWorks
Endocrinology Today



COLUMNS BY
Dr. Bill Austin



What Is Your Bread?

The Power of Quiet Time

Growing The Bottom Line

When

What’s It Like to Retire?

Creating a Safe Relationship

Disease and Relationships

Trying to De-Stress

Stress Reduction

Empathy

Your Dog Can’t Swim

What kind of listener do you want me to be?

Dealing with Criticism

Run Your Own Race, Part II

Run Your Own Race

The Next Chapter in Our Lives

Creating New Normals

Beating the Holiday Blues

Emotional Triggers

“You’re with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company” —Diane Von Furstenburg

The grace of forgiveness

Trying to blend a blended family

The Umbrella Story

How Disease Impacts A Relationship

Overcoming the Holiday Blues

Talking Dog for Sale

Trying to Blend a Blended Family

The Worst Beating I Ever Took

“It’s my fault!”

You had it last!

It's All About Me!

The grace of forgiveness

Cooling the brain

Life's Puzzle-Box Top

Simon Says

Unenforceable Rules

Stone Face

It's All About Me!

You Lost That Loving Feeling

Don't Tell Me What To Do

Do it now

No Opportunity to Repair

The Umbrella Story

How Do We Express Our Love?














Search Our Site


- OR -





RECENT GATHERINGS


10th Annual Ping Pong for CHARITY Fundraiser



Business to Business Expo



Aberdeen Barn – A fabulous place to celebrate!



Chesapeake Sheriff’s Office “18 Strong”



Do It For the Kids! CrossFit Krypton Hosts Compete for a Cure















Professional Columns -
Relationships by Dr. Bill Austin





YOU LOST THAT LOVING FEELING

The Righteous Brothers' song, "You've lost that loving feeling," is about the loss of love in a relationship. In Dr. Gottman's book he attributes four factors that can cause this loss of love. He calls these four factors, the Four Horseman. In this article, we will explore the one Horseman that Dr. Gottman's considers to be the most poisonous of the four. This horseman can be fatal to any relationship. It is the one expressed by looking down on our partner with disgust. The message of disgust is conveyed by name-calling, hostile humor, ridiculing, or sarcasm.  When our partner says something or asks a question, there is the rolling of the eyes and talking in a condescending way to our partner as though she or he is inferior or worthless. This negative and poisonous attitude is called contempt. Contempt is a habitual way of looking down on who the person is - not just his or her behavior. We can show contempt not only to our partner, but to such people as in-laws or fellow workers.


Click for Larger Image

You Lost That Loving Feeling printer friendly version  Printer Friendly

  Email to a Friend

If someone has contempt towards us, it feels like hate. Sarcastic remarks are made under the breath while we are talking. Sometimes, while we are talking to that person, they walk away before we are finished or are conveniently distracted. We could interpret their message is "you are nothing to me."

We know another person has contempt for us when they refuse to talk to us or even look at us. We experience a wall of sneering, mockery and hostile humor. In front of other people, condescending remarks are spoken about us.

If we are on the receiving end of contempt, we may try to shield ourselves by shutting down and not sharing anything with the contemptuous person.

How does contempt develop in a relationship? Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. Contempt grows out of the belief that person has deliberately and maliciously wounded us. We are more likely to have such thoughts if our differences are not resolved. If the complaints and wounds are not addressed, global criticisms emerge which in turn, produce more and more disgusted feelings and thoughts, and finally, we are fed up with our spouse.

One serious flaw with contemptuous attitude is that we are making one behavior or part of that person's personality say everything about him or her. It would help our attitude if we could see that there are other parts to that person's personality.

Health wise, we need to realize that bitterness, resentment, contempt, criticism, and negativity damages us more than the other person. Often those of us who have this attitude will experience health problems. Contempt kills our inner peace and joy. We need to find a way to work through our wounds with that person and learn to forgive them and ourselves.




Dr. Austin has decades of experience dealing with relationships. He charges clients on a sliding scale according to their ability to pay. His first book, Creating Our Safe Place: Articles on Healthy Relationships, was published in 2004. His second book, Keeping It Safe, was published in 2009 and can be purchased through amazon.com, publishamerica.com, and at the Parrish Book Store in Virginia Beach.  He is also a sought-after speaker at meetings and seminars.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 757-623-2700











Doctor to Doctor Magazine
133 Kempsville Rd.,
Chesapeake, VA 23320

Tel: (757) 547-0520













Web Site Definition & WebUpdate Showcase™ Site Management Coding © Internet Marketing and Design    
     All Website Content © Doctor to Doctor Magazine